Chief's Funnies, home and afield

Welcome to Chief's Brittanys!  Funnies afield

Pet Peeves

Dog Prayer

 Dog Haiku

The Burglar

Bet you can't own just one

Things We Can Learn From a Dog

Origin of dogs?

Overheard in the field

Overheard at the Game Preserve

 

The devout dog

Famous Dog Quotes

What is a cat?

What is a dog?

How dogs and men are the same

How dogs are better then men

Top ten reasons why a dog is better than a woman

Life lessons learned from a dog

 

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For all those who have a dog or have had one at some moment in time:
 
Pet Peeves from the dog's perspective:


1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
 
2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM A DOG!!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is
this anyway?
 
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
 
5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy
carpet?
 
6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
 
7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.
 
8. Dog sweaters........Hello...have you noticed the fur?
 
9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you're not home.
 
10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far
behind schedule that puts me?
 
11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when
I freak out every time we go back.

12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a
proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Author, unknown

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Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not
one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We
dogs love a nice ride!
I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy
to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is
he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic
energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear
back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Author Unknown, contributed by a visitor to this site.

 

Dog Haiku

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel.

 

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be.

 

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts-I celebrate

By kissing your face.

 

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy-come to kill us all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Meter reader-come to kill all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man-come to kill us all-

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I sound the alarm!

Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

 

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

I lift my leg and

Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -

Sniff this and weep.

 

How do I love thee?

The ways are numberless as

My hairs on the rug.

 

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle.

 

I hate my choke chain -

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

 

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot - no greater bliss - well,

Maybe catching cats.

 

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much I do.

 

The cat is not all

Bad-she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls.

 

Dig under fence-why?

Because it's there. Because it's

There. Because it's there.

 

You may call them fleas,

But they are far more -I call

Them a vocation.

 

My owners' mood is

Romantic-I lie near their

Feet. I fart a big one.

Author unknown - received via email

 

Things We Can Learn From a Dog (Author unknown, received via e-mail)

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in
your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent,
sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay
under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag
your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy
into the guilt thing and pout...run right back
and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room,
then froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you."

Frantically, he looked around the house. Finally, in a dark corner, he spotted a parrot in a birdcage. "Was that you
who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," replied the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot" sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
-Author unknown

 

Bet You Can't Own Just One!

Why own a dog? There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.
They're no doubt addictive, wherein lies the danger.

While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.

One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny.
The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey.
The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live with a house full with ease.

So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair!
With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed,
crates in the kitchen, "It's no bother you've said."

They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's just one more dog and just one more crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty.

The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few nose prints and a little more hair?
So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room, and a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.

There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
Vet and food bill grow larger, you owe lots of money.

Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who all live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too,

But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.

There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots.
And entries and travel and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap.

His look says you're special and you know that you will
Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill.
Some just for showing and some just to breed.
And some just for loving, they all fill a need.

But winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too.
But walk they must though they're numb and you're blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out.

The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills,
The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.

Your lifestyle has changed. Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game!!

-Author unknown

 

Origin of dogs?

(Author unknown, received via e-mail)

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every
day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased
to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a
name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of
my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And
Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content &
wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts &
preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog
has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he
is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that
he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.

Overheard in the field

Upland game hunting guide to hunter, who just shot a bird at very close range, "It's a bad sign when the wadding passes through the bird." To which the hunter replied, "Well what do we do with it?" Guide, "I'm going to give you the pleasure of putting it in your game bag!"

After figuring out what a dog on point looks like, the novice hunter Tom noticed that his friend Bill, the handler, took great delight in announcing "DOG ON POINT!" After careful attention, Tom finally beat Bill to the punch line of "DOG ON POINT!" Bill agreed, but with the clarification "You see, Tom, that's there is a kennel point." Feeling proud and Thinking he had even outdone himself by calling some sort of special point, Tom wanted to know more about this special "kennel point" to which Bill replied with a big grin, "He's taking a crap".

Overheard at the Game Preserve

Introductions were made by the guide early one morning to which an obviously very healthy hunter made a comment about the game birds seen in the flight pens. "Can we hunt in there?" The hunter said jokingly to the guide. Immediately the guide replied and said, "Well as a matter of fact we do have a special hunt for the shooting impaired." Just for an instant and with a quizzical look, the hunter seemed to be taking the guide seriously. The guide quickly continued, "For double the normal fee, we issue you a pellet rifle and a five gallon bucket." The hunter asked, "what's that for?" The guide replied "Well you go in there, turn over your bucket and sit on it. The pellet rifle is for hunting in a safety zone!"

The devout dog

(Received via e-mail from anonymous donors)

A devout couple felt it important to own an equally devout pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog that they liked.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal and went home--devoutly.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new pet and his major skills; they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.

************************
Famous Dog Quotes

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in
case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy


"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, and half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, and his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

Author of compilation unknown

Teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." Author unknown

WHAT IS A CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts, and cost and arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. Author unknown


WHAT IS A DOG?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. Author unknown


HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither do any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats. Author unknown


HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you.)
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Author unknown


TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:


10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop. Author unknown


LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:


1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. Author unknown

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