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Origin of dogs?
(Author unknown, received via e-mail)
A
newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every
day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased
to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a
name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of
my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And
Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content &
wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts &
preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog
has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he
is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that
he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.
Overheard in the field
Upland
game hunting guide to hunter, who just shot a bird at very close range,
"It's a bad sign when the wadding passes through the bird."
To which the hunter replied, "Well what do we do with it?" Guide,
"I'm going to give you the pleasure of putting it in your game
bag!"
After
figuring out what a dog on point looks like, the novice hunter Tom noticed
that his friend Bill, the handler, took great delight in announcing "DOG
ON POINT!" After careful attention, Tom finally beat Bill to the punch
line of "DOG ON POINT!" Bill agreed, but with the clarification
"You see, Tom, that's there is a kennel point." Feeling proud and
Thinking he had even outdone himself by calling some sort of special point,
Tom wanted to know more about this special "kennel point" to which
Bill replied with a big grin, "He's taking a crap".
Overheard at the Game Preserve
Introductions
were made by the guide early one morning to which an obviously very healthy
hunter made a comment about the game birds seen in the flight pens. "Can
we hunt in there?" The hunter said jokingly to the guide. Immediately
the guide replied and said, "Well as a matter of fact we do have a
special hunt for the shooting impaired." Just for an instant and with a
quizzical look, the hunter seemed to be taking the guide seriously. The guide
quickly continued, "For double the normal fee, we issue you a pellet
rifle and a five gallon bucket." The hunter asked, "what's that
for?" The guide replied "Well you go in there, turn over your
bucket and sit on it. The pellet rifle is for hunting in a safety zone!"
The devout dog
(Received
via e-mail from anonymous donors)
A devout couple felt it important
to own an equally devout pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel
specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog that they liked.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they
instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws
with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal and went
home--devoutly.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new pet and his
major skills; they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about
"normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the
dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a
wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes
in concentration and bowed his head.
************************
Famous Dog Quotes
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car,
in
case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in
your ear."
-- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is
probably man's best friend; inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, and half a
cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult."
-- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself."
-- Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his
life, his love, and his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the
last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such
devotion."
-- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
Author
of compilation unknown
Teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to
discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back,"
said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good
luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant." Author unknown
WHAT IS A
CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts, and cost and arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. Author unknown
WHAT IS A DOG?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear
you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. Author unknown
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither do any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats. Author
unknown
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it
and you can kill the one that gives it to you.)
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Author
unknown
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN
A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop. Author unknown
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. Author unknown
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